Two years ago I decided I needed to end a relationship in order to begin one with myself. I had never been so selfish in my entire life. To break the heart of someone I loved, that was the worst act I could have committed. But I did it. I did it because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to him to drag out a commitment I was only half committed to. I had realized that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I needed to fall back in love with myself.
To be quite honest I didn’t have very much time to fall in love with myself. All of a sudden I was whisked off into a romance full of highs and lows. For a year and a half I sat satisfied in my seat on this relationship roller-coaster.
Three days ago the roller-coaster I was so familiar with was suddenly very different. I felt my stomach tighten as I chugged up the hill, only too aware of what was waiting for me at the bottom. When I sat at the top of the coaster, I was hit with everything that made up my relationship. Every memory, inside joke, sweet nothing, all of it sat in the coaster seat with me and held on as we plunged to the ground.
At the bottom of the coaster, I was told to get off.
There was something familiar about this stop, although it was also quite different. As I listened carefully to his explanation I finally realized what was happening. I was on the other side of an event that I was responsible for two years ago. My stomach churned as the bitter taste of guilt rose in my throat. I gave this exact feeling to someone two years ago, and I had never felt worse.
I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate him for blindsiding me, for making me fall so deeply in love with him, for not guiding me out of the tunnel I was now stuck in. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t hate the person I was in love with, and I certainly couldn’t hate him for wanting to fall in love with himself. How hypocritical that would have been!
So I accepted our fate, as awful as it was. Two people who love each other but can’t connect due to circumstance, sound familiar?
For two days I allowed the waves of emotion to crash into me. I floated in the waters helplessly gasping for air, just waiting for the next set of waves. But I grew tired. I grew tired of not being in control. I didn’t like this feeling, this overwhelming feeling of sadness.
So I stopped.
Now, I realize how stupid that sounds. One can’t just shut down an automatic emotional response. But I’m not trying to shut it down, I’m simply trying to embrace it. I understand that it is normal to shudder in pain, but I also understand that I don’t have to let it take over. Of course every day is different, some may be easier than others. I’m ready for that challenge, I know I can take it.
This separation wasn’t easy, for either party, but it was necessary. We were simply seasons for one another, and now those seasons were over. Time to start anew.
I don’t want you as a reader (if anyone actually reads this blog) to think that I am here airing out my dirty laundry or that I’m using this blog as a platform to bitch about a breakup. Quite the contrary, I am using this as a platform to fall back in love with myself. I have decided that if I’m going to be honest about the situation, I need to be transparently honest. I need to put it all out there, and writing, well writing is my outlet.
Today is day one of falling back in love with myself, and I have never been so excited.